A Quiet Day with the Pagers

I step into the office to begin my long day, an 8-5 shift on call. My two pagers are burning hot, a constant reminder of my task. I'm waiting, impatiently, for the inevitable. For me, this may actually be the most difficult part - waiting, just sitting here unknowing. I like to know what's going on, and when. But the minutes turn into hours. It seems my shadowing actually prepared me perfectly for my day on call. 4:55 rolls around and I sit down with my supervisor to tell him about my day.

"It's been a quiet day," I explain. "I haven't had a single call."

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

And here we go, five minutes before it's time for me to leave. Luckily, at least at this point, it's not the code blue pager. I call the extension only to discover that a Catholic woman wants communion. I fill out a referral card and hand over the pagers.

And that was my excessively exciting day. Apparently if you have to be in a hospital, it should be while I am on call. You won't die or code.

As can happen when you have nine hours to sit around, I did a lot of reading and thinking today. In my reading I came across Psalm 27:1. I wear the first part of this verse on my finger every day, "The Lord is my light and my salvation." Beautiful words and a magnificent reminder. But I think I skip over the second half - "whom shall I fear?" I live my life in fear! I am terrified of so many things. Sometimes I feel like fear defines me. How sad.

Is this evidence of my lack of faith in God? Why can't I just let go and trust him? How do I entrust my life to God and what does this entail?

God,

Grant me peace when all I can understand is turmoil.

Grant me strength when all I can see are my failures.

Grant me comfort when all I can feel is darkness.

Grant me life when all I can fathom is death.

Help me to walk forward in your name when all I want to do is sit back where it's safe and comfortable.

On a lighter note, I think Houston turned into a sauna last night. Seriously, I stepped outside and could literally see the moisture in the air. It wasn't fog, just 700% humidity. It's how I image the rainforest.