Whether it Rains

Today was once again filled with rain and thunder, but only after a sweltering morning. I keep thinking I'll go for a swim in the afternoon, but then it ends up storming. Of course, you almost don't need a pool to swim here, since the humidity is so high.

These past two weeks have been exhausting but good. Most of my visits have been unremarkable. I do not mean that they have been bad, just that most have not been exceptionally deep or meaningful either. Nevertheless, I have noticed the change in demeanor of people who I visit more frequently. I am slowly getting to know some of these long-term patients, just as they are beginning to know and trust me.

It seems that I have the most interesting visits with people, more so than my other interns. I talked to an older woman last week who, once I convinced her that I wasn't an insurance saleswoman, would randomly interject "You're just so beautiful" or "You're a wonderful woman of God" into the conversation.

Meeting multiple new people every day is tough and stressful. It takes a lot of effort on my part and for some reason I hadn't realized that I have to push past my fear of talking to people every single day, multiple times a day. As I recorded my numbers on the statistic sheet, I realized that a beautiful thing has happened: I have talked to a lot of people. If you know me, you probably realize how hard this is for me and how proud I am of myself for doing it.

Tomorrow I'll be the on-call chaplain at MD Anderson. Essentially, this means that I am the first responder to any code blues or deaths that occur. I will admit that I am terrified about this.

Talking about the rain and my day tomorrow made me think of a song we sing in the four's class sometimes.

Whether it rains, whether it pours

Wherever I go, I will trust you Lord

In the light of day, in the dark of night

I will trust you Lord, with all of my life

For my hope is where you are

I'm not very good at trusting, but I'm pretty good at worrying.I have so much anxiety and it's so difficult to let go of it.